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Archive for the ‘Silly’ Category

Poem: Sally, Our Coworker

November 26, 2019 Leave a comment

Sally, Our Coworker

Sally says she owns twelve cats, but she really keeps thirteen

her house is one big litterbox that she has decided not to clean

she’s shopping around for a coven who will treat her with respect

but if she cannot find a community, she is planning to get more pets.

Categories: Silly, writing

Poem: Emily, Our Coworker

November 25, 2019 Leave a comment

Emily has a boyfriend,
which she’d like us to remember,
even though we were just asking her what she felt about the weather

Emily has a boyfriend,
he’s in every conversation
about shifts or films or customers or who should clean the station

Emily has a boyfriend,
he’s all she can talk about,
did you know he drives a motorbike? Well HIS favourite beer’s a stout.

Yes we know you have a boyfriend,
no need to clarify
in every weekly meeting
that you’re taken, by that guy

We don’t care who you’re screwing,
just don’t do it at work
but if we’re on the topic,
he sounds like he’s a jerk

and don’t say we don’t know him,
we’ve heard his every trait
you’re his friggin’ oral biographer
with those factoids you relate

You make all these excuses
(that we didn’t need to hear)
for why he wasn’t at your birthday
or at Christmas this past year

And we really do not care if your sex life is in a rut
but it sounds more like his dick here is the problem, not your… flower.
Now you’ve got me talking like this —
we just work together!

Have you heard of TMI? Or of living privately?
Or of dumping your two-timing boyfriend who makes it hurt now when you pee?

Yes you talked about that too,
quite loudly, might I say,
while a customer was waiting right behind you yesterday

Please go to see a therapist
to talk about your man
about how he’s not working,
but he’s smart! And has a plan!

I get that you’re in love
and that you hope the same for me
though obviously not with you,
for you have a boyfriend, YES, I SEE.

You’re borderline obsessive,
and to be honest? Rather dim.
I am not trying to date you.
I feel like I’ve dated him.

Categories: Silly, writing

Poem – Lone, Black Moustache Hair

November 19, 2019 Leave a comment

Lone, black moustache hair,
why do you persist?
The others are all blond,
so why do you exist?

Is it you’re an albino,
but the opposite, I suppose,
sticking out from birth,
a wolf in sheepened rows?

Or perhaps you were a nose hair,
now migrated so low,
who thought you liked it better
in this sunny place to grow?

Or maybe you’re an eyelash,
in a cozy summer home,
but why make such a trip,
to be there on your own?

Did you lack a lash to follow you,
no partner for your journey?
Perhaps you’re a curmudgeon,
who’d rather travel, lonely.

Or maybe you’re a convict,
banished from the eye.
Your sentence: To Drown By Runny Nose!
When winter passes by!

Or are you on a religious mission,
voyaging up and down,
searching every crevice,
each pore from foot to frown

from the hobbit-hairy toe,
to the jungles of the eyebrow,
where ever pores will open
when you speak your holy vow?

What sights you must recall,
you perambulating pilgrim,
but why, with such adventure,
would you settle on my philtrum?

You shall not turn the others black,
no matter what the sermon,
for they were never born that way,
and will stay blond, for certain

Or perhaps they may turn white,
as the hairs shall, on my head,
(assuming those hairs keep,
though they may fall out instead.)

If so, would you follow,
and bleach yourself also?
Or continue to stick out,
or maybe you’ll just… go?

I have often thought of plucking you,
you’re really out of place,
you simply don’t belong
in that location on my face

But it’s good to have reminders
that nature is never perfect,
so there you may reside,
a contrast I respect.

Lone, black moustache hair,
yes, you may remain,
for you’re but a tiny blemish,
and I am not that vain.

Categories: Silly, writing

What D&D Character Am I?

I know, I know, what is this, 1998? Yes, I filled out a lengthy question sheet online and got allotted into categories as a result. Still, I liked this one. Decent insight into me, perhaps… though I am rather surprised at how very, very un-monk-like and un-paladin-esque I am! What do you think: is this an accurate assessment of me? And who are you?

INVISIBLE!
INVISIBLE!

I Am A: Neutral Good Elf Cleric/Sorcerer (2nd/1st Level)

Ability Scores:

Strength-13

Dexterity-12

Constitution-14

Intelligence-14

Wisdom-12

Charisma-16

Alignment:
Neutral Good A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment when it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.

Race:
Elves are known for their poetry, song, and magical arts, but when danger threatens they show great skill with weapons and strategy. Elves can live to be over 700 years old and, by human standards, are slow to make friends and enemies, and even slower to forget them. Elves are slim and stand 4.5 to 5.5 feet tall. They have no facial or body hair, prefer comfortable clothes, and possess unearthly grace. Many others races find them hauntingly beautiful.

Primary Class:
Clerics act as intermediaries between the earthly and the divine (or infernal) worlds. A good cleric helps those in need, while an evil cleric seeks to spread his patron’s vision of evil across the world. All clerics can heal wounds and bring people back from the brink of death, and powerful clerics can even raise the dead. Likewise, all clerics have authority over undead creatures, and they can turn away or even destroy these creatures. Clerics are trained in the use of simple weapons, and can use all forms of armor and shields without penalty, since armor does not interfere with the casting of divine spells. In addition to his normal complement of spells, every cleric chooses to focus on two of his deity’s domains. These domains grants the cleric special powers, and give him access to spells that he might otherwise never learn. A cleric’s Wisdom score should be high, since this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.

Secondary Class:
Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards, sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through, they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast.

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

INVISIBLE!
INVISIBLE!

Detailed Results:

Alignment:
Lawful Good —– XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (24)
Neutral Good —- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (28)
Chaotic Good —- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (17)
Lawful Neutral — XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (23)
True Neutral —- XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (27)
Chaotic Neutral – XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (16)
Lawful Evil —– XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Neutral Evil —- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Chaotic Evil —- XXX (3)

Law & Chaos:
Law —– XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Neutral – XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Chaos — XXX (3)

Good & Evil:
Good —- XXXXXXXXXXXXXX (14)
Neutral – XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Evil —- (0)

Race:
Human —- XXXXXXXXXXXXX (13)
Dwarf —- XXXXXX (6)
Elf —— XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (16)
Gnome —- XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Halfling – XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Half-Elf – XXXXXXXXXX (10)
Half-Orc – XX (2)

Class:
Barbarian – (0)
Bard —— (-2)
Cleric —- XXXXXX (6)
Druid —– (-6)
Fighter — (-2)
Monk —— (-19)
Paladin — (-17)
Ranger —- (-4)
Rogue —– (-4)
Sorcerer — XXXXXX (6)
Wizard —- (0)

Predicting the Future: The UVic of 2063.

(I wrote this piece originally a month ago for a competition in The Ring, the University of Victoria’s self-published vanity newspaper. The competition asked for visions of what campus might look like in fifty years’ time. Predicting the future is always fun!

It wasn’t chosen as one of their winners.)

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University of Victoria sign at campus entrance...

University of Victoria sign at campus entrance. (Wikipedia)

The UVic of 2063.

The UVic of 2063 focuses on the strengths of the university system. Acknowledging the value of social and career connections made while at university, almost every building on campus comes equipped with cafes serving free coffee and tea for students (with charges for treats and fancier drinks). Large seating areas are the norm, rather than the exception.

Within classrooms, this atmosphere of shared experiences continues, with most courses focusing on in-community projectwork and small group discussions. One perhaps startling transformation has been the elimination of lecture classes, whose material is now almost exclusively packaged as digital ‘pre-homework’ to be accessed before classes even officially begin. As a result, most lecture halls on campus have been converted into performance spaces or renovated to accomodate multiple smaller classes. Esteemed ‘celebrity’ professors occasionally holographically lead classes from the comfort of their own homes.

Also within the classroom, there has been a near-complete transition from chairs to standing desks (save for those with physical difficulties). Standing desks have even now been proven to boost acuity, productivity, and health. And in a world where most students have wearable computers and implanted enhancements powered by the sugars and pulses of their wearers’ bloodstreams, the institution can hardly ask students to set aside their technology before entering the classroom. Instead, classes encourage the use of in-the-moment digital research techniques not only for projects, but also for use while contributing to conversations.

English: University of Victoria library, bikes...

University of Victoria library, bikes, and rabbits. (Wikipedia)

All around campus, building on UVic’s identity as an eco-conscious campus, after decades spent eliminating wildlife on campus – first with the rabbits, which in turn removed the owls and hawks, and then later removing deer after two high-profile car accidents – the university administration has pulled an aboutface and diligently worked to reintroduce as many species to the campus environment as possible. This has included a healthy rabbit population, once architectural improvements were made to secure building foundations from the burrowing animals.

With sustainability in mind, most trees, plants, and bushes on campus now produce edible crops, with students encouraged to snack on apples, plums, pears, blackberries, and raspberries – or even a dandelion leaf or stalk of kale – between classes. While grassy fields still exist outside the main library and as fields for sporting events, all other formerly non-functional lawnspace on university land has been allowed to grow into natural landscapes.

In an effort to promote higher education, the provincial and federal governments have set up two student loan systems, one similar to our current model, and another aimed at making education more accessible, which instead deducts a percentage of the student’s earnings for ten years post-graduation, effectively functioning as an income tax.

One misstep was the construction of a new intestine-inspired building, found to be even more confusing to navigate than Cornett. On the whole, however, the UVic of 2063 is a vibrant, active learning community treasured for its education experience.

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(Not too bad, eh? A few neat extrapolations based on current trends, a few in-jokes for UVicers… well, I like it, anyway.)

Cheers,
Andrew Wade

Amazing Racists

April 13, 2013 Leave a comment

Hello all!

A month ago, my brother and I submitted for the Canadian version of The Amazing Race. While we haven’t been chosen, we had a fun time ‘training’ at Science World (where I work), and I thought you might get a kick out of the video.

Also: Video editing is still as fun as ever… but also still as time-consuming as ever! Sheesh.

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Have a good one,
Andrew Wade

The Trapper Song, performed by Andrew Wade in A Shpadoinkle Musical!

Hello all!

Sorry for the radio silence, but being in a hush-hush secretive National Voice Intensive doesn’t allow much time (or ability to add content). Still, what I can share with you is the audio recording of me (with Henry Beasley and Max Friesen) performing The Trapper Song with a RIDICULOUS French accent as part of Rock Theatre Co.’s  A Shpadoinkle Musical: A Tribute To The Music Of Matt Stone And Trey Parker, at the Backstage Lounge on Granville Island. That was a TON of fun.

Also, I believe this may be the first time I’ve ever had anything I’ve sung be professionally-ish recorded. Gotta say – I’d love to sing some more to hear how I sound after going through a good mic and sound system. Maybe even without a silly accent one of these days. 🙂

Cheers,
Andrew Wade